It's sad to admit it, but I've always felt alone.

But... am I ???

Am I really all alone in this world?

I grew up without a mother. And no, it's not because she sadly died when I was still a baby.

It was nothing like that.

This was just a result of  a series of inexplicable  circumstances in my life that led to me eventually being raised by my dad without any form of contact from my mother.

For years I'd ask my dad why this was so, but I don't recall ever getting a clear answer as to why.

So, all throughout my childhood I grew up believing that I didn't have a mum. And it bothered me for years whilst growing up as a young girl because I knew that she wasn't dead, but what I didn't know was: why wasn't she in my life like all the other mums are with their daughters?!

And I'd agonize over this until the point where not having  a mum was my reality. So  I stopped questioning my dad so much, partly because whenever I'd bring up the subject, my dad wouldn't give me all the answers I needed.

I later found out that I was being raised by my dad because my mum was planning on going back to school and she didn't have anyone to look after me as she had quite a strained relationship with her own parents.

So she asked my dad to mind me whilst she was in school - a decision I can now predict wasn't easy for my mum to come to - leaving your daughter in the care of her father and his extended family!

It must've been hard for my mum to have to come to that decision. I know that now because I've recently become a mother too. And the thought of relinquishing my role as my child's primary care-giver is one I wouldn't dare think about.

And somehow, years went by and it was just me and my dad! Until... he died after a year-long battle with illness!

Weeks before he died: I remember playing outside my grandmother's house and thinking: "if he did die... I'd die too! That's how much my dad meant to me! He was my whole world!

But he did die!

... And I lived!

I thought  to myself: "I'm an orphan now! Talk about my  worst nightmare coming  to pass!"

"What am I gonna do?"

I have no one.

I felt so alone - albeit I was  surrounded by loads of  aunts and cousins. And yet, there I was, feeling all alone.

Because that one person who totally  belonged to me and I to him was gone. No longer here.

I never felt more alone in my life than I did at that point.

But without knowing, nor realising it: I wasn't alone!

I had God! He was there - with me!

I didn't feel Him. Didn't see Him. Didn't even fully believe in him at that point, yet he was there. Looking out for me. Being mindful of me. Providing for me.  Preparing a future for me. A future I simply couldn't have been able to picture for myself because had I dreamt of having the life I  now have, I wouldn't have believed it. And yet, at one of the darkest hours of my life, God was there! With me. Working - and busy preparing a way for me to have the life I now have!  Busy preparing me a life I now know it's only possible because God Himself  was behind it all along.
I just didn't realise it.

And that's the thing about God: you  never realize He's there, nor do you ever  feel Him. You never see Him. And most often than not, never even acknowledge Him - which is so sad because I've now come to know that when I was feeling so  alone, I really wasn't alone at all.  I was with God, or rather, God was with me. That's how awesome and faithful God is. He does it because He loves us! And usually without even a "please" or "thank you" from us.

 So God, this is just to say "THANK YOU."

I thank you for always being there with me and not leaving me alone, even when I felt so alone.

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  1. This is an absolutely beautiful and inspiration post. I'm so happy that you have been able to find comfort amid such a difficult life. Thank you for sharing and stay strong my lovely :)

    Bethany (curlyandwordy.blogspot.co.uk) x